Listen, I’m the kindest person you’ll ever want to meet. I’m aware of my surroundings. So, if the parent of a young child is struggling in a store, I will step in and help if I can. If someone needs to go ahead of me in line for any reason, I take notice and let them cut me in line. I’m kind and aware of people and situations. You may think that makes me nice, but… you’d be wrong. Niceties and pleasantries can only get us so far. What the world needs today is less fake niceness and more kindness.
Less Fake Niceness and More Kindness
I’m going to be honest, small talk is not for me. Which sometimes makes it seem like I’m a mean person, but I’m not; the furthest from it. Being “nice” means exchanging pleasantries with people and falling in line with expected social behaviors, even when we’re just not feeling it.
I’m as real and as authentic as it gets. But, if I’m not feeling emotionally invested in a conversation or experience, I’m certainly not going to waste the energy to be fake about it.
Being kind, on the other hand, that is what I’m about. This involved a much deeper level of empathy and consideration. My actions go beyond surface-level conversations and are motivated by a true desire to be helpful to others. Kindness means being able to anticipate a situation, listening actively and intently – not listening just to wait for your turn to speak – and responding genuinely. Being kind means that I’m able to recognize and address others’ needs in a meaningful way rather than simply aligning with what society expects me to say or do.
What’s great about kindness too vs. superficial friendliness, is that when a person experiences true kindness from another, they feel valued, validated, and understood. In contrast, hollow niceties can come across as insincere and fake. Genuine kindness is rooted in thoughtfulness and empathy; things we’re lacking in our society right now.
You Can’t Pour From an Empty Cup
Often when people are perceived as not being “nice” they’re considered selfish, which is another important topic that we need to cover. As caregivers and nurturers, we’re often told that we “can’t pour from an empty cup,” and it is so true. The societal expectations for women, especially Black women, require us to be constant caregivers, nurturers and providers. This leaves us little time for ourselves. This constant expectation to be “on” all the time can deplete our own emotional and physical reserves, so yes, it is ok to not be nice all the time and be a little selfish.
Self-care is not selfish, and we must begin to recognize this because our health and our lives depend on it. Self-care isn’t about luxurious things. It’s about ensuring that your needs are met so you feel whole and appreciated.
When women prioritize their happiness and health, they can show up in society fulfilled and genuinely happy. This creates a ripple effect of kindness in the world. Recognizing our value to others, but more importantly, to ourselves is a top priority. Allowing ourselves time to go inward and recharge, means that when we’re ready to move forward, we have an abundance of good to share. Self-care should be a regular practice and not considered a luxury, because when it’s fostered and fostered correctly, it allows us to pour kindness out into the world around us.
How to Practice Kindness in Everyday Life
So how can we stop falling into being just nice, and practice more kindness in our everyday lives? Here are a few ideas to incorporate less fake niceness and more kindness:
It has been common practice in recent years, to “pay it forward,” at a coffee shop but when we think about it, we’re paying for the coffee of the person behind us, and yes that’s a nice gesture, but what if, instead, we called our local elementary school and offered to pay off a students lunch tab. Often students are denied lunch just because their parents aren’t able to send in a monthly check. This is kindness.
Many of us have been that struggling mom in the grocery store, juggling a baby and toddler and trying to pay for groceries. And, while it is nice to express empathy that we “get it,” and have “been there, done that,” a kinder gesture would be to offer to help the mother carry her groceries out to the car. This way she can get the little ones buckled into their seats safely. There’s a difference between saying something nice and doing something kind.
What true kindness and integrity boil down to, is how we show up for people. How we treat others who cannot do anything or provide anything to us, is a true measure of how kind of a person we are. Niceness is one thing, but genuine kindness and compassion, are a different ball game.
