Talking to your black daughter about the Cornell 7 case

I’ve been to college and I have one child in college and another going. I have talked to my son about consent and how he should not even play with me when it comes to women and the R word. I am now approaching the subject with my daughter, who says she doesn’t want to hear it, but she needs to because she is getting ready to go off to college herself. Whether she goes to an HBCU or a PWI, the conversation must be had. The Cornell case can happen at an HBCU, and I have witnessed something similar myself back in the early 2000s when I attended college. Let’s talk about it and some things I will be going over with my daughter. Talking to your black daughter about the Cornell 7 case is important. Here are some tips, but first let’s start with a story.

I loved hanging with guys at frat parties. I attended a few parties. My number one rule when I went to these parties was to never ever drink. I got teased and called lame, but I wanted to always keep my eyes open, so I never accepted a drink…ever. One night we went to a party off campus at someone’s house. I was a freshman, and it was me and 2 of my friends so 3 of us. A guy picked us up to take us to the party. (There were no camera phones back then; remember, this is October of the 2000s) Once there, they offered us drinks. I declined, but one of my friends accepted. My other friend did too, but she did a bottle that wasn’t opened. I was off talking to someone, and my other friend, the one who drank out the bottle, came and said Have you seen….let’s call her T. I said no…she said I can’t find her, and one of our rules was: if we go together, we stay together; even if we talk to others, no one leaves the other’s sight.

I started to scan the room…no sign of her. My other friend said You take upstairs; I’ll go to other rooms downstairs. I started up the stairs. I think the house had about 4 bedrooms upstairs, so I started trying doors. Walked in on one guy who had 3 girls passed out drunk. He yelled something to me, but I was focused on finding my friend (we will circle back to that room). I tried another door; that one was locked, then I banged on it. Another door was locked; I banged…this door, I heard someone moaning and I was like, they’re having sex, but as I turned, my gut said, try that door again. I banged again….a dude came to the door. I said hey I’m looking for my friend he said I don’t know what you’re talking about. Move before you next. I said, ” Try me… ” He looked at me, and I used that moment to push the door open. There was T on the bed, drunk, and there was another guy in the room. I screamed bloody murder, and my other friend came running up the stairs. I kept screaming (I have a loud scream). Another guy said Get her out of here. I said I wasn’t leaving until my friend and the girls from the other room came with me. One guy I was in some classes with and knew hesitated, and my friend said I’ll start cutting if you come closer (chile, I didn’t know she had a knife). He said Grab your friend and the other girls; we will put outside, and don’t ever come back.

We picked T up, who could barely walk and had nothing but her panties on, and dragged her down the stairs. The other girls who were naked were carried outside. We didn’t have a ride back, and no charge on our phone, so my friend and I tried running to a few houses and knocking. At the time, I didn’t even know what area of Atlanta we were in (later found out it was the SWATS) so we were lost. Luckily, and I do mean luckily, a police officer was patrolling the area; we flagged him down, and he came and called backup. The ladies we didn’t know went with the other cop and we went to the hospital with our friend. It was a long night, but to see that firsthand gives me a story to tell my daughter as she gets ready to go to college.

Note: This didn’t happen on campus, but it was a Frat party with guys who went to the HBCU I went to. I do not remember their names. Also I had a similar convo with my son when he first started college, and I remind him every so often what the rules are for girls and stuff.

What to say to my own black daughter about what can happen

Let me say this if a black guy did a group chat like that, someone would have said something. That’s one thing I know about us ain’t no group chat like that going on someone gonna say something and have some morals.

I’ll open with the story above when I talk to my daughter. We will talk about how she needs to tell someone and that silence is not strength. If she feels she can’t come to me for any reason, tell a trusted friend or an adult, but please tell someone. (she will tell me last cause I’ll go to jail)

Black girls are treated differently. Sometimes we aren’t believed and often times our cases don’t get the attention that it needs. A lot of our girls are in the mindset that it doesn’t matter if I tell or not, nothing will happen, and we as a community have to change that for our youth.

On an HBCU campus, everyone knows everyone. It’s usually a small world, so some may say they don’t want to tell for fear of retaliation. “Nobody’s reputation is more important than your safety. You never owe anyone your silence, no matter how popular or how connected they are.”

• Watch your own drink. From the time it’s made to until you finish it. If you leave the drink never go back to it get a new one
• Same people you came with you leave with. Make up a code word if you need to so that you know if they say the word it’s time to go
• Trust your gut
• Share your location at all times. It’s for safety, not surveillance (although I’m going to be looking especially late at night)
• Someone who is drunk, asleep, or unsure cannot consent.
• Promise her out loud: “You can call me at any hour, from anywhere, about anything, and my first words will be ‘are you safe,’ not ‘what were you doing.
• Whatever school she goes to, I will teach her how to report and who to turn to and I will be there at every meeting with her so that she doesn’t have to navigate this alone.
• I will repeat the talk after she settles in at her new school as we will have these lectures as often as we can so that she knows

We don’t want anything to happen but it’s good to talk about it in the open just in case. How are you talking to your kids about this case? What would you say to your kids on what to look out for?

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